30 by 30 Update

It's 2015, my how time flies. I've been thinking about this goals list quite often lately with my thirtieth birthday approaching this year. There have been some really big changes in my life since I originally wrote these out. Several aren't particularly applicable anymore, but I've updated them none the less.

1. Participate in 6 craft fairs with my crochet stuff
   I've participate in two craft fairs, both during my time in Pennsylvania. Since returning to Oklahoma, I haven't done much crafting for other people.
2. Don't let others get me down and remember this every day, "You is kind, You is smart, You is important"
   Wow, the last year has been full of dark and twisty moments, but despite all the drastic changes, the last two weeks have been much more bright and shiny.
3. Read 30 new books (yes Sabrina I stole this)
   So far I have read 31 books! I've got a blog draft listing them all, which I will post in several months when my birthday comes around. I thought this would be one of the toughest challenges, but I finished this with plenty of time to spare!
4. Remember the little things and don't fight over money
   The little moments: walking Edward after work, driving while the sun is rising and being able sleep soundly without a noisy neighbor.
5. Learn Italian or Spanish
   I'm afraid I haven't even started this particular challenge.
6. Get 10,000 fans on my Facebook model page
   Summer of 2013 I deactivated my Facebook page and later that fall I deactivated my personal account There were a variety of reasons why, but it has been freeing not having the distraction. Plus it had become a rather negative environment, so it's been a little easier not to get swept up in petty, unimportant things.
7. Run a marathon
   My return to Oklahoma meant a few short jogs around the block, but I have yet to finish the physical therapy necessary for my marathon training. I'm afraid this particular goal may need to get moved to my bucket list...
8. Remember to send out birthday/anniversary cards to my family/closest friends without them being late
   I've gone back and forth with this one. I did join an online card site name JacquieLawson.com which has really cute cards for all year round. I've sent quite a few out, but more for holidays than anything else.
9. Join a crochet/scrapbook/women's group (or 2) here in PA
   Well, I had listed this hoping to meet more people, branch out while living so far from home. Now that I'm back in Oklahoma, I'm once again part of Vicki's crops down in Purcell. I missed them a lot and am really glad to be joining all those ladies!
10. Continue learning how to fix my '71 Camaro by myself
    RJ actually has Astrid right now. He's doing some bigger stuff, but now that the weather is getting nicer, hopefully I'll be able to make my way out there to help!
11. Reach 300 blog followers
    So far I have increased my followers from 3 to a whopping 8, but with so little blog activity, that's not surprising.
12. Have an official date night at least twice a month
    We had an official date night once a week! Until we moved home and so much has changed. Now I have a date night each week with Sabrina ;)
13. Fill the 4 journals I have sitting on my bookcase
    I've been writing in my journal a little more of recent. One is about 3/4 of the way full. I'm going to need to hustle!
14. Crochet 4 afghans
    I've finished three afghans, and have started a fourth. I've also done a 3x3 baby blanket and a large nap blanket for my nephew.
15. Be old fashioned "pen pals" with my Grandma and Sabrina
    I continue to write Grandma. She doesn't seem to as much, but I still look forward to opening my mailbox at the end of each day. Since I don't need to write Sabrina anymore, I've started writing Dad.
16. Build a clientele for my hair styling work
    No longer applicable since I'm now a Sales Manager at Bankers Life. Wow, life changes!
17. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or nursing home
    There's a really nice retirement center around the corner from my new place, I need to go in and see if I can help with something after work one night a week.
18. Take enough pictures to fill my two Christmas/Winter scrapbooks
    Not sure why I haven't taken as many pictures at the holidays, the whole family seems to have been on pause.
19. Finish Grandma Molly's memorial scrapbook album
    There are only a few final touches left! I've done all I can do. Some of the family members need to do a few more journal boxes to really top it off.
20. Remember to take photos with Nate, friends and family year round so I can scrapbook our memories
    Got my camera charger back from Oklahoma, and have been doing better for vacations, but not smaller events. Of course this means I need to pull my scrapbook stuff out of the closet...oh boy, well this one needs to change a bit.....I've been taking photos at our work events and have created a scrapbook for the coffee table in the welcome room at the office.
21. Start my own racing scrapbook
    This one is at a halt. In fact I don't have a lot to scrapbook from the last three years, so for now I'm creating a Christmas album for mom.
22. Reread Writing Down the Bones and follow her suggestions for writing topics in my journals
    I've got my own copy, and started...need to restart and dig in!
23. Remember to share good news, not just the bad news
    This I've gotten much, much better at doing.
24. Get some legitimate, paid modeling work
    My last photoshoot was in December 2013. I have given up modeling...at least for the time being ;)
25. Sign up for 30 modeling contests
    I signed up for three. I didn't win them, but on a different note,  I have been published in a magazine! That is definitely better than a contest :)
26. Attend pilates or yoga classes
    I have yet to join a gym again, but I do have access to the workout facility at my new apartment complex. I plan to start going as well as revisiting all the pilates videos I have acquired.
27. Run the NYC marathon
    Well this would be more of a challenge now. Not just because of the reasons in #7, but also because NYC isn't just a few hour drive down the turnpike....BUCKET LIST!
28. Take a cake decorating class
    Honestly not sure if I still want to do this one. I might need to come up with something new.
29. Take up ballroom dance lessons again
    Do I have to have a partner for this? My job may be too demanding at the moment, but I'm confident I'll do this again in the future.
30. Visit the top 10 places to go in Pennsylvania as listed here: http://midatlantic.choicehotels.com/pennsylvania-hotels/top10attractions
    I've only hit two places on this list: Falling Water being the first, but I've also been to Kentuck Knob (Frank Lloyd Wright's second house in the same area). I was finally able to get to Kennywood as well. They had this black widow ride that was so high up it was almost terrifying to both of us! Although I couldn't take the time or spend the money to do most of the things on this list, I was able to make a trip over to Sandcastle, a famous waterpark in West Mifflin, PNC Park to watch the Pirates play three times, and I volunteered at the Pittsburgh Marathon, which meant traveling across many of the incredible suspension bridges.

With six months left until my 30th birthday, I'll be putting a little bit of thought into how I need to change a few of these, as well as how to accomplish those still applicable.

What have been some of your challenges with long-term goal setting?

The Marathon.

'Hey barefoot guy, need some shoes?'

If you ever want a pick me up, some motivation...or to just completely restore your faith in humanity, go to a marathon, a triathlon, an ultra. You meet the most incredible people.

Sunday, May 5th meant it was time for the Pittsburgh marathon. This meant getting up at 4am so we could get downtown before the sun made an appearance, and me taking a nap in a parking garage for two hours because Ashley doesn't particularly care to be awake at that time of day.

Last year my Darling ran the race in about three and a half hours. That was when he was hoping to run it in four hours and he took a break half way through to drink a beer. This year he decided he'd run it hard and PR (personal record). He hoped for 3:20, maybe even 3:18 if he got lucky. Now as incredible and impressive as all of that is, it's not the point I'm trying to make with this post. When I was still waiting at the finish line and 3:30 went by, then 4:00 and he still wasn't there, I was wondering what the heck happened.

His friends and I tried tracking him, but all we found was that his timing dropped off halfway through the race. Then my phone rang from a number I didn't recognize. I answered to find my Darling on the other end, saying he had some problems but only had five miles left. About thirty minutes later (and five hours into the race), we see him practically sprint across the finish line, looking completely unscathed, in a brand new pair of running shoes.

For some reason, that neither myself or his cross country friends can comprehend, my Darling decided running the marathon in his cross country shoes would be a good idea, and maybe it was...until mile thirteen. By then his feet were so messed up he had blisters on his toes. He realized he couldn't finish in those shoes, took them off and trekked on for another two miles. That's when another guy running the marathon said, 'Hey barefoot guy, need some shoes?' The kid lived close by, pulled out his cell phone and made a call. Moments later his mom met my Darling on the street with three brand new pairs of running shoes, asked "What's your size?" and handed him a pair so my Darling could finish the marathon.

These days all you have to do is turn on the news and it's pretty easy to become bitter or always expect the worst. My grandmother doesn't turn it on anymore except to watch the weather, and I don't blame her. Don't get me wrong it's good to know what's going on in the world. We shouldn't bury our heads in the sand, but it sure would be nice if there was more promotion of positivity.

What happened with the kid, the mom and the shoes? We have no idea of their phone number or where they actually live. We have no clue how to give them their shoes back. So if you know a kid named Sam who lives around mile 15 of the Pittsburgh marathon route, we owe him a pair of running shoes...

And Then There Were Two.

The Insurance World. Holy cow, the insurance world. Six of us got hired in January to go up to Erie, PA for training. Now for a multitude of reasons there are only two of us left. Granted it is a time consuming, at times exhausting, "complex and confusing" company. Can you "appreciate that"? Oh phone scripts...

But in all seriousness it is pretty cool to help people plan their retirement giving them a road-map to follow. I've even gotten several perks and bonuses along the way including a shiny little trophy to sit on my desk for most applications written by a new agent, a couple of gas cards, two happy hours for writing annuities, and I'm not done yet folks!

In other news I actually received a tax refund this year that was more than $30. It only took until I was 27 for that to happen. I think I spent it responsibly:

• savings
• debt
• bills
• treating my Darling to sushi
• donating to a worthy cause
• a much needed hair cut (I'm ashamed I hadn't gotten one since November!!)
• a pair of high heels (because I am a 27 year old girl and one can only be responsible for so long!)

Alright, I think I'm done tooting my own horn.
It's been a crazy week. What positivity has been in your life lately?

Welcome to Adulthood.

I'm reminded of a Grey's Anatomy episode in which Meredith says, "We're adults. When did that happen...and how do we make it stop?" She talks about the hardships of responsibility and growing up, but she also talks about all the great things we get to do. (I'm pretty sure I remember getting to eat as much candy as you want, tequilla, shoes and sex being under the list of things that make becoming older worth it!)

Today after a short and not so great night of sleeping, there was grocery shopping, laundry sorting, smoothie making and kitchen clean-up, all before 10 am on a Sunday. Pretty impressive as far as my Sunday's go. Taxes were later involved, yippee for 1099's and all of their fun. Not to mention the lovely local tax in PA I'm still trying to figure out.... Then there's been the paying of the bills and balancing of the checkbook, cleaning house, folding and putting away laundry... Why did I want to grow up again?

But yesterday was Saturday. My Darling and I grabbed a case of Rolling Rock, piled some snow around it inside a cooler, loaded up my boss's Avalanche with homemade cookies and some rather frightening pickled sausages and headed out to our co-worker's farm in Washington to fire shotguns. The boys took out a bunch of clays while I decided to try my hand at stationary targets. I did pretty awesome if I do say so myself. I even shot a can that someone threw in the air on the first try! The boys set out some special targets to hit with the new rifle, which was pretty impressive.

Afterwards it was time to head back to town for some good food, games, loud music and dancing. Ok, I was probably the only one dancing. (Those boys need some lessons!) However, I'm pretty sure Meredith would be proud because the only thing missing was tequilla...

Talk about a way to wind down after a very long 55+ hour for all of us! Maybe adulthood isn't so bad.

Working for the Weekend?

We're brought up to believe that if we go to school, get a degree, we'll get a career, make money, be happy. But what happens when that doesn't work? It's definitely a new era where what once worked may not anymore.

I just finished watching The Company Men and it definitely got me thinking. My Darling thought it was depressing, but in actuality it's very real. Although, I guess reality can be depressing.

Maybe if some of those CEO's took a pay cut, there would be more jobs. Maybe the rich should pay more taxes. Maybe the poor should try a little harder so the state's aren't paying so much to take care of them. It's so easy to blame others for our problems. It's the economy. It's the President. It's my jerk of a boss. It's because that teacher gave me a bad grade. My parent's didn't raise me right...etc. (Don't worry Mom I'm NOT talking about you!)

I often find myself getting very bitter if I think about these things too hard. I did everything right! I did my homework, took my tests, didn't get grounded, made the grades, went to college, had a decent GPA, graduated from a great university, got a job, went back to school, started a new career...or so I thought....five years and several jobs later I'm still wondering what the heck I'm doing!

At the end of the day who's fault is it? Of course those outside influences might be factors but are we really doing all that we can to live full, happy, ethical lives? Are we living within our means? Are we appreciative of the sacrifices that others make for us? Are we working our tails off and giving 110 percent?  Are we making time for the people who support us? Are we doing the things we enjoy? Do we need to adjust our definition of success?

Here's the thing: money is important. It is completely necessary to have a job that pays your bills and gives you a little extra, but it is just as crucial to have time for the people that love you. At the end of the day money makes life easy, but people make it all worth doing.

 It's all about balance. Do something you enjoy, but you have to find something that also pays the bills. It's OK to not know what you want to do. We are surrounded by people who are unsure everyday. People who didn't pick a good fit for them the first, second or even third time. If you don't try you'll never know, and I'm definitely talking about more than just a job when I say that.

I by no means regret my degree. If I had to do it over again, I most definitely would and I'd definitely still go to OU! ;) I know that even when I'm not doing what I went to school for the fact that I earned one in the first place helps get a foot in the door. We all have to believe that hard work pays off, but in those moments that it doesn't, if you're surrounded by friends and family, the journey is ALWAYS worth it no matter how dark and twisty it is. 

Spammers.

Lately I've been getting a lot of spam in my blog comments. At the advice of a close friend, I don't use a Captcha. The things can be dreadfully annoying. However, I do moderate my comments, which is how I've kept the spam from reaching the public eye. Does anyone else have this problem? I've also noticed quite a bit on one of my Facebook pages. Although, on that particular page I can easily mark the comment and ban the user. I was surprised to be getting that sort of thing on a blog though.

While I'm mentioning online issues, ABC.com has been a little glitchy lately...at least on my end. We don't currently have a tv, so I watch my addictive shows online with our rather large computer screen that's set up in the living room. I haven't had problems with streaming shows since it was first created, so it surprises me that I've been unable to watch episodes when technology is always greatly improving. Thoughts?

P.S. Any comments left anonymously will be considered spam.

Sickly Reading.

So it is most unfortunate and completely aggravating,  but once again I am sick. Sore throat, upset stomach, hard to breath or eat or do much more than sleep. I have therefore decided to take advantage of the fact that feeling like death makes me want to do nothing but be surrounded by blankets either on the bed or the couch with a good book...or two...or three...

What's more, thanks to the lovely Nook that I received as a Christmas present, I have an entire bookstore at my fingertips! I had previously be reading "The Physick Book of Deiverance Dane" by Katherine Howe. It's light fantasy, mixed with loose historical facts in a modern day setting, witches being the topic, although it does take a while to get to that point. Personally, I thought it was rather entertaining. The main character, being a post-grad at Harvard, stumbles upon a trail to what could be the only real book of spells in history, all while cleaning out her crazy old grandma's house.There's even a teensy bit of romance, but thankfully it's not too overdone.

Once that was finished (and several naps later), I decided I ought to finish "The Retirement Miracle" by Patrick Kelly. I was actually asked to read this one for work. It's an easy read, short and to the point. Not something I would normally pick out for myself, but I'm glad I took the time to read it. Of course being for work, this was a non-fiction piece, and completely pertaining to my job. I actually already knew some of the information in the book, but it was nice to have things confirmed. (Meaning these can be very good options for people and it's not just management saying, this is our product, sell it!) There is a suggestion for people who are saving for retirement and another for those who have already done the saving. but still have concerns. The latter is one that I believe in whole-heartedly, but at only 112 pages, I'll let you discover what that is for yourself.

Then I couldn't help myself. I pulled up the "shop" tab on the Nook, shifted through their suggestions, and there it was, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. I suppose I'd never picked it up for fear it was overly religious, but there I go again judging a book by its cover. I read the description, and decided I must have it; plus $6 seemed completely doable. I have since finished it before it was even lunch time this morning. What a lovely little book. Although it's completely fiction, it'd be very nice if that's how things work out in the end. I think I need to add "Tuesday's with Morrie" by the same author to my reading list as well, although I'm not sure what I'll pick up next.

What's been on your reading list lately?

Pittsburgh Nights.

You know those moments where you hear a song for the first time and you'd swear the person who wrote it is stalking you because they just described you to a tee? Every time I hear this song on the radio, I smile a little and belt out the words I know. While things have gotten quite a bit better since I moved across the country, the song still tugs on my little heart strings, so I decided it was time to look up the rest of them...

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw
Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights I wish they'd just fall off
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights I don't know anymore...
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh
This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style
That's alright;
I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? Mmm... Mmm...
Well, some nights I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change.
And some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights I always win, I always win...
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights I don't know... (oh, come on)
So this is it. I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?
(Come on)
No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on.
Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, come on!
Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home;
Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call "love"
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible nights... ah...
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh
The other night you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh... 

Some Nights - FUN

Socially Un-Challenged.

I've spent the last few weeks trying to get different social media sites updated. Don't miss out on everything that's going on! Add me at the following links:

If you love decorating your home: Wax and Wicks!
If you're a fan of my modeling: FanPage!
If you're a photographer, model, stylist or make-up artist: Join the Mayhem!
If you like what I have to say: Tweet Tweet !
If you are a fan of adorable handmade items: Homemade Crochet!

Reflection and Reason.

Politics and Religion. I heard someone say once they're things you shouldn't talk about in public because you never know who you're going to offend. Very often I'm actually equally or more offended by people who hold the same opinions as me because of how they present their beliefs. I have a great respect for differing opinions when given a logical, well-thought out reason for them. Quite a few people should go take a refresher English course on argumentation or just remember what your mom taught you about arguing. I'm pretty sure "because" is not a reason and the "she has one" or "he did it first" argument never worked for me. Facebook has just been fueling the fire and I'm about to not even look at my wall because it gets me so frustrated at the lack of logic and reason.

However, I did find something rather wonderful online the other day. I am reposting this from another blog. Please take the time to read it all the way through. I promise you it's worth it.

~~~~~~~~

“Homage for the Child(ren)”
Matthew 2: 1 – 12
January 6, 2013
It has been 23 days since the horror of Sandy Hook in Newtown, Connecticut and except for a prayer at the 8:40 service on the Sunday immediately following that was printed in the Norman Christian newsletter, I have said nothing about that terrible day.  In the 24/7 cycle that is the news, 23 days is an eternity; in the lives of those forever changed, it is barely the blink of an eye.  My own silence has been intentional, for both personal and theological reasons.  Personally, I was so unhinged by what is now not even the latest in an all too common occurrence of gun violence in America, that I did not trust my ability to make helpful or even coherent comments.  The grief was too great, the anger too deep, and the one letter I quickly dashed off to a state representative that night was sincere but not helpful.  The other reason for silence until today is theologically rooted.  In the biblical story of Job, you remember he lost everything—children, property, health—he was devastated.  As good friends do, they came to his side and sat with him for 7 days in complete silence.  It was the high point of his friends’ ministry to Job, because come the 8^th day and they opened their mouths to talk theology, all manner of unfortunate, unhelpful, and painful comments were offered.
In the immediate aftermath of Sandy Hook, a number of people made a number of comments.  Without a doubt, when something horrific happens, and especially when children are involved, all of us struggle to make sense out of it.  That is what we do—we are meaning seeking people and that is good.  I do not for a second doubt the broken hearts or the good will of those who made some of the comments in the days following; I merely contend with the wisdom and the theological content of some of what was said.  Not unique to the citizens of Newtown, but said in the wake of that horrific day were comments such as now there are more twinkling stars in the heavens, or God needed another angel, or God saw fit to call them home, or your children are not really yours but only on loan to you, or at least you have other children or are young enough to have more children, or God never gives you more than you can handle*—which is problematic at several levels—not the least of which is that it is not biblical, and it also suggests that whatever happens comes from God and if you can’t handle it then there must be something lacking in your faith.  In one way, I agree with that bromide—God does not give you more than you can handle because this was not from God; this was not God’s will.  Tragedy, suffering, pain, and death perpetrated by people onto people is not the will of God.  I understand why people make comments such as these, for we all try to make sense of it; but sometimes and maybe most of the time, especially at first, the best comment is no comment except to offer our compassionate presence to any and all who suffer.  They do not need our words; they need our ears and our arms.
There comes a time of course, when silence can be interpreted as acquiescence or approval or apathy.  The author of Ecclesiastes wrote in his oft quoted poem “there is a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.”  There were a few voices—some of them public or who have access to public outlets—who less than 24 hours after the horror, began to speak in ways that were not only deeply disturbing but theologically shortsighted.  While perhaps these who so commented were trying to make meaning of it all, it felt as if there were a few who in the guise of theology were actually making political commentary by suggesting the absence of prayer in public school was related to the cause of the massacre.  To be sure, only God can see into the human heart and its intensions, but regardless of the motivation, a few spoke politically at a time when it was best to keep silence, and in so speaking delivered what is not only constitutionally untenable but theologically abhorrent.  As indefensible as this was, speaking politically under the guise of theology is not even what is most troubling.
In a town like Newtown, and now all across America, the variety of religious expression is more diverse than ever.  To legislate and mandate prayer in the public school would require that a decision be made by someone as to the nature of that prayer—a generic Protestant prayer, a Catholic prayer, an Eastern orthodox prayer, a Jewish prayer, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist.  Which prayer, who leads?  Teachers and principals have more than enough to do; are they now to become theologians?  To be sure, so many in the teaching field are nurturing and pastoral, yet not to be pastors.  But to add that onto teachers is not even what is most troubling.
One reaction to horrifying events is to want to return to some era gone by when whatever is happening now was not happening then.  That is understandable.  To those who yearn for that era of prayer in public schools, it is important to remember that was the era of cruel and abiding segregation where the privileged prayed and prospered in well-appointed schools while the poor prayed but suffered in substandard schools.  There is a big difference between piety and justice.  But to yearn for a by-gone era of myopic comfort is not even what is most troubling.
To suggest that God can be legislated into or out of any place is an affront to all who believe that God needs no intermediary nor do we, but that a direct relationship with God is available to any who would seek God.  This can be done anytime, anywhere; and it is human arrogance to think that God is some kind of object who can be captured in stone on the city square or excised out of the conscience of the individual.  But even this is not what is most troubling.
To suggest that God was not somehow present in the Sandy Hook school is to miss the theological truth that God is present wherever there is hurt or suffering; and that in acts of courage and compassion God is deeply present.  That morning, in the face of maniacal carnage, there were teachers who shielded children, protected children, and confronted the 20 year old perpetrator of this horror.  Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”  God was profoundly, courageously, and sacrificially in that school that day in ways that few if any of us can imagine; and I am sick and tired of hearing about the absence of God in public schools.  I don’t know about salaries in the Newtown public schools, but if you teach in Oklahoma, try feeding a family of four on a teacher’s salary while working 12 to 14 hour days.  Our teachers live sacrificially, courageously, compassionately.  If you want to see God in the public schools, then look into the face of teachers.
In an effort to address what is becoming an all too frequent occurrence in our culture, some have suggested and will suggest that armed officers be placed in every school, which is an absurdist move as it is cost prohibitive; and a few have called for arming teachers which would be laughable except that such legislation may be proposed.  It is hard not to recall what William Sloan Coffin once said, that we are more and more resembling the dinosaur—heavily armored and very small brains.  The dinosaur became extinct; they had no choice.  But we do.
When it comes to dealing with the variety of causes for this scourge in our culture, some have asked why God lets this kind of thing happen.  I feel quite certain God will ask of us, “Why do you let this happen?”  If the death of 6 and 7 year old children does not move us to engage in national soul-searching, then what has become of our humanity?  It would be easy to render the 20 year old a monster and in so doing exonerate ourselves from any connection to the larger issues that create this increasingly common phenomenon.  What he did was unspeakable—I don’t even know what words to use; but there are ways to consider and words to say as we think about a culture which can only blindly now refer to these as isolated events.  Ours is a culture of entertainment in which killing has become sport and I can’t help but wonder if the video game industry and movie industry and television industry are somehow desensitizing our sense of humanity so much so that the other is only an object and not a God-created human being.  Ours is a culture of self-absorption where the message is life’s goal is self-satisfaction in which the world exists to gratify me and individual rights have become the golden calf around which we are to dance.  Ours is a culture of vengeance, where from the comic book super hero to the sports icon, from the politician to the media industry, what is glorified is getting even, getting back, annihilating the other.  Ours is a culture of violence, fueled by the myth of redemptive violence, in which the statistics of gun violence in this culture are astounding; where thousands more are killed by guns each year than were killed on 9/11.  In response to 9/11 we have spent trillions of dollars; in response to gun violence in America we have done nothing.  Ours is a culture where it is much easier to get a gun than it is to get a counselor.  Jesus said, “Those who live by the sword will die by the sword.”  In America, we are doing both; we are both living and dying by the sword.
To discuss guns in the American culture is to consider the second amendment; and it is an important consideration.  Often forgotten in the discussion is that the right of the people to keep and bear arms is set in the context of a well-regulated militia.  But even if you fail to see the need of a well-regulated militia as constitutionally established, the justification for assault weapons and rapid-firing clips which make it capable to kill effectively, quickly, and thoroughly is repulsive.  The second amendment is not undermined by the compassionate, courageous, and reasonable limitation of weaponry like this, and the argument that such limitation is a slippery slope jeopardizing all gun ownership is a manipulative ploy meant to silence reasonable discussion;  and our children are dying because reasonable minds have been portrayed as unpatriotic and reasonable voices have been silenced.
You will note that no mention has been made of the magi.  This story from Matthew’s gospel has been, for me, the playful part of the Christmas story, as I have tended to romanticize the journey of the magi even as the story makes a deep theological proclamation that this child born in Bethlehem is not the provincial property of one religious group, but is for the entire world.  In the last 23 days, I’m seeing this story differently—that these wise, intelligent if not perhaps star-struck yet hopeful adults are envisioning a different way of living and being and as an expression of that hope, pay homage not to all those who hold conventional power, but to a little child.  While the status quo of imperial power as embodied by Herod ruthlessly disregards the children, these magi pay homage to the child and then return to their homes by another way.
Does the birth we have just celebrated and to which we pay homage make a difference in our lives and in this world?  Is this one, born a child and yet a king, the prince of peace, one who can shape and reshape another way?  To be sure this is a personal question, but I have seen now as never before what T.S. Eliot meant when he wrote of the magi that after paying homage to the Christ, “we returned to our places, these kingdoms, but no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation.”  At the very least, I pray to God we are no longer comfortable in the old dispensation—for the sake of the Christ child, for the sake of all the children, I pray we are no longer comfortable in the old dispensation and that like the magi we will return by another way.
*Several of these comments listed in this paragraph were brought to my attention by Dr. Roger Paynter of the First Baptist Church of  Austin.

***Rev. David Spain of First Christian Church of Norman gave this sermon on January 6***

Learned Lessons and the Future.

Things I learned in 2012:

• When I have children I will teach them certain things regardless of gender. These include habits of common courtesy, how to cook, clean, and do laundry. It will make them grow into thoughtful, well-rounded adults and while it will not guarantee a successful relationship, it'll sure help cruise over some of those speed bumps!
• Searching for a job is a full time job. I've done it twice during the last year! It requires a lot of time, patience and perseverance.
• While we are definitely more exposed to sex, violence and profanity in the media than people were even 10 years ago, some things are edited much more creatively. For example Nazareth's song Hair of the Dog is still widely played on the radio with the unedited lyrics, "Now you're messin' with a son of a bitch." While Bruno Mars isn't allowed to say "you're sex takes me to paradise" in his most recent hit "Locked Out of Heaven." I really don't understand this, seeing as how I'd probably have gotten my mouth washed out with soap if I said "son of a bitch" growing up, but the word "sex," not so much a problem....(I could seriously write an entire blog entry on this topic alone.)
• Oklahoma isn't so bad, not that I ever truly thought it was, and I miss it dearly.

Goals for 2013 or New Year's resolutions:
Last year I wanted to train for a marathon and send out birthday cards on time to my closest friends and family. I was able to get through half my training before injury and I quickly collected birthday dates and became better in my correspondence. This year I'd like to improve on these things further.

• Hit the gym or do an at-home work out three times a week. Let's face it, someone could train for a race by only working out once a week. They might have a hard time or not have a spectacular finish, but it would be doable.  I want to improve overall physical and emotional health
• Become more active on social media sites. A lot of my favorite goals and hobbies are either influenced or excel from the information that can be obtained on these sites. I enjoy modeling, journaling, and keeping in touch with friends. Expect to see a weekly blog *either on Sunday or Monday* and a lot more activity on twitter, as well as modeling pages!
• I'm stealing this from the front of my stationary cards, "Every single day, do something that makes your heart sing." - Marcia Wieder
• No matter where I am, see more sites, museums, and new restaurants. 

What are some of the lessons you learned in 2012? Do you have resolutions for 2013?

One mile? More like one leg raise.

Many people knew I was training for a marathon last spring, and while probably more than a handful of people had very little faith that I'd actually get there, well you're right, but not for the reasons you probably think...

I was always one of those people who thought it'd be cool to run. I'm what I like to call athletically challenged, but for some reason running just didn't seem like a bad idea. Of course when it came down to actually doing it there was always an excuse. I need shoes, I need work out clothes, I need, I need, I need. But when I got the awesome running shoes and the flexible clothes that embrace a running lifestyle, it really came down to being utterly embarrassed that I was 25  and had no clue where to start.

I joined running-log.com to keep track of all my efforts and was directed to Hal Higdon's marathon training guide. I got a gym membership for the first time in my life and actually used it. I did a 10K and a 5K with decent results considering I'd only had a few weeks to train for each. Then I moved to Pittsburgh and there was another obsticle in my way. Mountains. I think they call them hills here, but I'm from Oklahoma, so they're definitely mountains.

Nate and I found a gym to join here right after the New Year and I began training for the Pittsburgh Marathon almost immediately. I logged runs, followed my schedule, made up playlists to get me through that boring treadmill workout when the weather was bad. My longest runs were always followed by text messages to my closest friends and posts on Facebook bragging about my latest accomplishment.

I completed my 12 mile run, but when it came to my half marathon distance of 13.1 miles, I was unable to get even half-way through. My ankle and left knee were in a lot of pain. I tried walking it out, tried doing some weights and some shorter runs, but even backing off didn't seem to help. We figured it was just too much too soon. Going from no activity to full on marathon training in less than six months is pretty intense. By the middle of March it was obvious I wasn't going to be able to bounce back from whatever this was and finish training in time for the race, so I transferred my registration into Nathan's name.

The next several months were filled with anything besides physical activity while I tried to give my joints a rest. Once July hit I was pretty stir crazy, so we hit the gym doing weights to strengthen up my leg muscles before getting back into running, figuring that's where we'd gone wrong. However, a month later I still couldn't get through a two mile run without a lot of pain in my left knee.

That's when we decided I actually needed to see a doctor. Chondromalacia patellae is what the othopedist diagnosed. Basically the cartillage under my knee cap was irritated because the muscles on the outer side were stronger than those on the inner side and it was pulling my knee cap out of its correct placement. Cure? A few months of physical therapy, which entailed strenghtening exercises, ice, electronic stimulation, and taping of the knee. Oh, and absolutely no running.

So far I'm about six weeks into my therapy and I'm noticing little differences. Of course the exercises are moving the knee cap back into position, which again irritates that cartillage, so until it's in the correct placement, I'm going to continue having significant pain. I continue to walk up stairs one at a time (having been told that stairs are a definite no-no), I don't go to the movies since prolonged sitting in the same position is also uncomfortable, but I have been cleared to ride a bicycle, and I'm not having pain every day.

So the new game plan? Pittsburgh Marathon 2013 hopefully! My physical thereapist says I'm at least half way through my therapy, measuring the movement with each session. She's been increasing the intensity and difficulty of my exercises rapidly, knowing that stir craziness (and well, money) is a definite factor. We've already got a new marathon training schedule in mind; one that is at a very low intensity so as to ease into it this time.

The future is bright. By this time next year, I'll most likely have completed one marathon and started training for a second. I'd really like to do the OKC Memorial Marathon in 2014, but we'll see...

30 by 30: My 27th Birthday Update

Earlier this year I made a post listing 30 things I wanted to do by the time I turned 30. With the recent passing of my 27th birthday, I thought it'd be a good idea to update the list, seeing what I've accomplished in the last few months...

1. Participate in 6 craft fairs with my crochet stuff
   I've done one craft fair. It wasn't very successful, but I did manage to come out in the green.
2. Don't let others get me down and remember this every day, "You is kind, You is smart, You is important"
   This one is still hard, but I'm working on it every day.
3. Read 30 new books (yes Sabrina I stole this)
   I've read 4 new books so far, and I've got 2 others started. (Damn you Harry Potter for trapping me in and making me want to reread you. You don't count!)
4. Remember the little things and don't fight over money
   Another continuous effort, but significantly easier than #2.
5. Learn Italian or Spanish
6. Get 10,000 fans on my Facebook model page
   I haven't worked on this much, seeing as my modeling is at a hiatus, but I am up to a little over 1200 fans.
7. Run a marathon
   I was halfway through training last spring and had to quit. A later blog post will reveal those details.
8. Remember to send out birthday/anniversary cards to my family/closest friends without them being late
   I've actually done a pretty good job of this one. I've sent out more than I ever have, and only one or two have actually been late.
9. Join a crochet/scrapbook/women's group (or 2) here in PA
10. Continue learning how to fix my '71 Camaro by myself
    I learned how to fix the secondary fan attached to my radiator and I will soon be learning how to touch up small paint chips and surface rust.
11. Reach 300 blog followers
    So far I have increased my followers from 3 to a whopping 8, but with so little blog activity, that's not surprising.
12. Have an official date night at least twice a month
    We have an official date night once a week!
13. Fill the 4 journals I have sitting on my bookcase
    I'm half way through the first one; my journaling took a vacation around the same time my blogging did.
14. Crochet 4 afghans
    I've finished two afghans, and am over halfway through with my third. I've also done a 3x3 baby blanket.
15. Be old fashioned "pen pals" with my Grandma and Sabrina
    I continue to do this.
16. Build a clientel for my hair styling work
    Still working on this one, but as long as I'm a stylist, there's always room for my book to grow. I'm off to a good start.
17. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or nursing home
18. Take enough pictures to fill my two Christmas/Winter scrapbooks
19. Finish Grandma Molly's memorial scrapbook album
20. Remember to take photos with Nate, friends and family year round so I can scrapbook our memories
    Got my camera charger back from Oklahoma, and have been doing better for vacations, but not smaller events. Of course this means I need to pull my scrapbook stuff out of the closet...
21. Start my own racing scrapbook
22. Reread Writing Down the Bones and follow her suggestions for writing topics in my journals
    I've got my own copy, and started...
23. Remember to share good news, not just the bad news
    This I've gotten much, much better at doing.
24. Get some legitimate, paid modeling work
    I've had a several offers for around Christmas!
25. Sign up for 30 modeling contests
    I signed up for three. I didn't win them, but on a different note,  I have been published in a magazine! That is definitely better than a contest :)
26. Attend pilates or yoga classes
27. Run the NYC marathon
    Maybe in 2014?
28. Take a cake decorating class
    Honestly not sure if I still want to do this one. I might need to come up with something new.
29. Take up ballroom dance lessons again
30. Visit the top 10 places to go in Pennsylvania as listed here: http://midatlantic.choicehotels.com/pennsylvania-hotels/top10attractions
    I've only hit one place on this list: Falling Water, but I've also been to Kentuck Knob (Frank Lloyd Wright's second house in the same area). While I didn't get to Kennywood, I was able to make a trip over to Sandcastle, the water couterpart.

Of course some of these things will never be finished. They are continuous works in progress, but everyone should have a few guidelines in their life. What are some of your goals? Are they bucket lists or things to do before a certain milestone?

Nutshells and Acorns.

Gosh I miss blogging! Well writing in general to tell you the truth. Sometimes it really is the most simple things that make us the most happy. A cool breeze when you open your front door. A good book on a rainy day. Your favorite song on the radio. Or that winding road surrounded by trees that makes you feel like you're on the set of Twilight. Okay, maybe that last one is just me....

A lot has happened over the summer and fall is in full force. The weather has gotten cooler, leaves are starting to change and OU/Texas is just around the corner. This is my favorite time of year. Of course normally fall is a relief from the Oklahoma summers of 100+ degrees, and while it definitely didn't reach that heat in Pennsylvania, I'm glad summer's over.

I've been at the salon here for 8 months already. Man that time certainly did fly by! I've accumulated quite a few clients and I'm slowly gathering more. The owner is about to celebrate the shop's 25th anniversary, which is pretty cool. We'll have a big party, so if you're in the area and want an invite let me know.

In addition to the salon, I've decided to become a PartyLite consultant. It has been so much fun so far. I've met a lot of really great people, made some extra money, and who doesn't love candles?! I've always had a bunch of candles in my room as long as I can remember, so it seems only fitting that I now sell them. Nate and I just got in our Ginger Pumpkin scented tealights tonight and they are definitely one of our favorites.

The other big news is that I was published in a magazine! It's two full pages of Ashley Rachelle, which includes three photos by two different photographers. A huge thanks to Pamela Kay for putting on the photoshoot last December. All the models and photographers involved are awesome, and in my case the gift just kept on giving!

I'll post links, photos, and additional tidbits on everything later, but for now that's an update in a nutshell. It's definitely my bedtime...

Not even the DMV.

As a hair stylist my weekend starts when I get off work Saturday night and I don't have to go back in until Tuesday. Sometimes it's a bummer not having the same weekend as people with "normal" jobs, but having an entire weekday off does have its advantages. For instance I still need to switch my driver's license, tag, and title from Oklahoma to Pennsylvania. Now that I'm getting more hours at work, I finally have enough moo-lah to pay for all that and I thought yesterday would be a pretty good day to get it all done.

First things first, I call up my pals over at USAA to switch my insurance. It's a little more expensive here, which I expected, but all in all, it was easy as pie and I got it transfered without a hitch, and even before breakfast!

I head back down to our room in the basement to get a shower, make the bed, etc. I even curl my hair so it'll be nice for my driver's license photo. Nate got all of his car stuff re-registered about a month ago, so he told me where I could go to get it all done; I put the name of the place in my GPS and off I go with the windows rolled down and some good tunes on the radio. I'm in a pleasant mood because I plan to roll through all of this and then go home to crochet the rest (or most of the rest) of my afghan.

Well I follow that GPS to a tee, but surprise surprise Pittsburgh's done it again and Google isn't updated so it takes me to the wrong location...one without a building. I pull into a parking lot, re-Google the place I need to go, and head back out. Luckily it's only 6 minutes away from the first incorrect location. I said, FIRST incorrect location. Now I've been led to an abandoned building, which probably used to be the AAA place, but it certainly isn't anymore. So I pull into the parking lot, park, search my GPS, search Google and finally decide it'd be best to call the phone number and ask for directions.

The first phone number I call is a wrong number. A very confused State Farm Agent informed me that the AAA hasn't been at that phone number in at least 10 years....ok, lovely. I sure do love a wild goose chase. I find another number, dial, and praise the heavens a woman from AAA tag agency picks up! So before I ask for directions, I figure I should probably make sure I am calling the right one and they can actually help me before I drive over there. I tell her what I need and she proceeds to tell me that I can't get my driver's license switched without 2 forms of proof of residency. Now I'm all too familiar with what that means from my days working at an insurance company, and I also know that I only have one form (my pay stub) because all the utilities are in Nathan's parents' names. I explain this to the representative and she informs me that in my case I need to bring in someone I live with who already has their PA license. I thank her for the information and hang up, but I'm pretty irritated by this point because I just spent two hours driving around and calling people only to find out that I need to wait until Nate finishes his finals so that he can go with me.

Once Nathan gets home, I explain everthing to him, so we hop in the car and head over that way. He's been there before so it's a straight shot. (Man was my GPS and Google both off.) It's 4:00 PM and the photo license part of the AAA tag agency closes at 4:15, so we're smiling thinking maybe we've gotten there in the nick of time. We get up to the window and a lady politely informs us that we can do everything EXCEPT a driver's license there. I tell her that's not what I was told on the phone, and she apologizes, giving us a phamplet with a list of our choices. Of course those all close at 4:15...

Needless to say, I still need my Pennsylvania driver's license, tag, and title.

Lee Baxley Photos.

Well I've finally been going through more of the photos from my shoot over at Bernard's Auto in Norman, OK right before I left to move up to Pennsylvania. I was given so many photos from the shoot that I decided to release them a few at a time, but then with my move across the country, getting settled in, finding a job, etc...I've let a lot of them slip through the cracks. So here we are with the first installment of previously unreleased photos from the shoot...

Those two were outside the shop with an actual Delorean! How neat is that?! As always, these photos can be viewed  in various places on the world wide interweb: Facebook, Model Mayhem, fellow model and photographer websites...you just never know where I'll pop up!


So while everyone is hopefully patiently waiting for me to find photographers to work with in the Pittsburgh area, I'll let a few of these trickle out over the next several weeks to try and keep you entertained.


Of course you can tell this last one doesn't have me in it at all, but instead my friends Pamela Harjo and Rachael Callaway. The reason I included the photo, other than they are two gorgeous friends of mine? That's my Camaro they're sitting on!

One Training Day at a Time

I walked 5.25 miles today. I'm not mad, I don't want to scream, I'm not going to cry, but I'm pretty disappointed.

I've always wanted to be a runner. There's no real rhyme or reason. I just thought it would help clear my head, keep me in shape since I've always considered myself athletically challenged, bring more peace into my life. Maybe that's my rhyme and my reason.

Not only did I want to run I wanted to do a marathon. Not a 5K, not a half marathon, a full one. So at 3am one day last September I started running. I really wanted to do the OKC Memorial marathon. I've always wanted to do that run. Then I moved to Pittsburgh, so I decided their marathon would be ok. It'd give me more time to train anyway.

I rejoined a gym at the beginning of the new year and for someone who's entire athletic training could previously be summed up in one semester of Pilates during college, I think I've done a pretty good job so far. I even got up to 12 miles in less than 2.5 hours. That was the middle of February and the height of my training. It was hard, but going great. I had previously set a very achievable goal of doing the marathon in five hours. After that 12 miler I knew I could do it in 4.5 if I really wanted. Except when I tried to run 13.1 miles two weeks later my ankle was really bothering me. Not normal training aches and pains, but an actual 'I've got to take a break from running for a while this hurts so bad' sort of pain.

At first I was really upset, but then realized I could do the eliptical and bike in the meantime; work on muscles that would benefit my running. But when I was still in pain two weeks later while doing short runs I really hit a wall and I've had a terrible time trying to climb over it since.

The last two weeks have been a little bit better. It was too late to continue with the Hal Higdon's plan I was previously using because it would put too much strain on things that are still trying to heal. So instead of 3 medium runs during the week and a long run on the weekend per the previous plan, I decided to do the 1.75 mile loop around the neighborhood once a day six days a week to keep things loose and really focus on just getting through the long run on the weekend. Supposedly you can do a marathon even if you only do one long run a week. Your time won't be stellar, but you can get through it.

I'm not giving up. I don't want to throw in the towel. I'm still going to show up at the race. I'm still going to run or jog or walk when that gun fires off to signal the start. I don't know if I'll be able to finish, but what I do know is that I can't go any farther than my legs, or knees, of ankles will let me. I know that it'll still be an attempt at something most of my friends haven't even tried.

So I'm not mad, and I won't be mad if I don't finish. I will be disappointed, but disappointment after a valiant effort is a lot better than the anger I'd feel from not trying.

Blog Titles and Updates

I had previously mentioned having trouble thinking of how to focus my blog. At one point I thought it'd be neat to talk about the struggles and benefits of being a military (Navy) girlfriend, but seeing as how my darling Nate is taking a little break from that to go to school, there's not much to write at the moment. I'd love to have a modeling blog like one of my favorites, Ulorin Vex, but work seems to be few and far between right now. I have been trying to be a successful hairstylist for a while....and I'm training for my first big race, a marathon...so the notion behind my blog title is that you have to do everything one at a time, like the sayings one step at a time or one day at a time. Only for me it's taking everything one photo, one mile, and one haircut at a time when the big picture seems daunting and success seems far away.

I finally got a job in a salon. Apparently getting a job up here is like winning the lottery: it's really hard to do, hardly happens, and a lot of it is luck. The girls are nice and it's just down the street from Nate's parents' house. I'm only an assistent at the moment, which feels like a huge step backwards, but I think it'll be worth it in the end.

My marathon training has been put on hold for the moment. After my 12 mile run the other day my ankle started hurting. I only did about half my scheduled training last week and it hurt worse this week, so nothing there. I'm bummed about it, but I think I'll probably hit the gym tomorrow and try the elliptical or bike so there isn't as much strain or stress on my joints, but I'm still working my muscles. It's a weird feeling training 3 or 4 times a week and then having a week off. Anyone that knows me or has seen my modeling photos knows I'm anything besides overweight, but I feel icky not going to get some physical activity. Besides the PA marathon is May 6th and I'm running out of training time. It's hard to believe I only started seriously running in October and I just did 12 miles two weeks ago...

30 Goals by 30 Years

I've been trying to think of how to pick my blog back up. My main problem is that I want it to be more focused. I follow blogs that are all about cupcakes, writing a book, wedding ideas, etc. and their entries are nice and focused. I've come up with a few ideas and think I have it narrowed down, but for now I thought I'd try this...

I completely stole this idea from my bestie over at Sabrina's Writing Reflections who is turning 30 in the fall, but I thought it was such a great one. Lately I've been so focused on all the things I can't do, when what I need is to focus on all the things I can do. My 30th birthday will be October 12, 2015, so I've definitely got a little bit of time. Maybe I'll finish early and have a whole new set in a year or two...but for now, here's my list and I'll probably repost it with stuff crossed off every 6 months in order to see how I'm doing. In no particular order:

1. Participate in 6 craft fairs with my crochet stuff
2. Don't let others get me down and remember this every day, "You is kind, You is smart, You is important"
3. Read 30 new books (yes Sabrina I stole this)
4. Remember the little things and don't fight over money
5. Learn Italian or Spanish
6. Get 10,000 fans on my Facebook model page
7. Run a marathon
8. Remember to send out birthday/anniversary cards to my family/closest friends without them being late
9. Join a crochet/scrapbook/women's group (or 2) here in PA
10. Continue learning how to fix my '71 Camaro by myself
11. Reach 300 blog followers
12. Have an official date night at least twice a month
13. Fill the 4 journals I have sitting on my bookcase
14. Crochet 4 afghans
15. Be old fashioned "pen pals" with my Grandma and Sabrina
16. Build a clientel for my hair styling work
17. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or nursing home
18. Take enough pictures to fill my two Christmas/Winter scrapbooks
19. Finish Grandma Molly's memorial scrapbook album
20. Remember to take photos with Nate, friends and family year round so I can scrapbook our memories
21. Start my own racing scrapbook
22. Reread Writing Down the Bones and follow her suggestions for writing topics in my journals
23. Remember to share good news, not just the bad news
24. Get some legitimate, paid modeling work
25. Sign up for 30 modeling contests
26. Attend pilates or yoga classes
27. Run the NYC marathon
28. Take a cake decorating class
29. Take up ballroom dance lessons again
30. Visit the top 10 places to go in Pennsylvania as listed here: http://midatlantic.choicehotels.com/pennsylvania-hotels/top10attractions

Okie dokie, now I've got 3 years and 7 months to get it all accomplished!

In Remembrance: September 11

Ten years ago I woke up thinking everything was normal. I was a sophomore at Norman High and getting ready to go to percussion sectionals for marching band. It was an early morning for me. So I was in the band building practicing some tune on the xylophone. We are going to band as normal and  and that rush of people going to their classes, building to building, someone says a plane flew into a building in New York. None of us believed them at first, and the shock of everything that was to come,  completely blanks out the face of that individual in my mind. When they start going into detail about a hijacking, terrorist attacks, no it's not a joke, the building is destroyed and we need to hurry to class. My body starts feeling numb and I'm no longer hearing anything around me.

We were on block schedule back then, A days and B days. It was an A day. Every teacher that could had a TV in their room with the news on. Some tried to conduct class, but most had discussions, or we sat in silence waiting for more news. Anger, hurt, confusion and sadness were all consuming and I had a million questions as I sat there in disbelief, class after class. By the time I got to my second class of the day the second tower had already been hit and we all knew this wasn't an accident. This was a bad dream, a nightmare, how could this be true...The second I got home, I threw down my bag and turned on my little 11 inch TV in my room, soaking in all the news, all the video, the sound bites. Over and over, repeatedly, trying to understand how and why.

In all the commotion, Channel 9 News played a video that hadn't been screened and I sat there, 15 years old, watching people jump out of the tower, the same kind of clip we'd be watching all day, but in this one you could hear them screaming, you could hear everything. I sat there. I cried and cried and didn't know what to do. I felt so completely helpless.

I only remember a few things from the rest of the week: the next day we had a timed writing in my English class. She said we couldn't stop class just because someone did something stupid. I can't remember ever being so angry at her ignorance and lack of sensitivity. My Spanish 2 class that normally didn't utter English was nothing but that, on the second day. The teacher pulled out a map of the world showing us where the terrorists were thought to be from. We discussed the events, our feelings, what this could all mean. I remember going to lunch with my friends Richard and Alex in Richard's little white Nissan. I have no idea where we went, I only remember being silent for what seemed like the entire week and people asking me if I was ok.

Papa was in Washington D.C. on usual business, and of course Uncle David was in New York on  that day. We instantly heard Papa was fine, but it took five days to hear from Uncle David.

Earlier that year in my history class, the teacher had showed us newspapers of other events in history. Things she or her parents had collected and saved over the years; the day Kennedy was shot for example. How important it was to not forget the big events. I kept every newspaper with a picture of the twin towers I could find. I still have them, stowed away in a little red box, safe and sound. Any time they see the light of day, it brings a sadness and an anger to my heart.

I'm not as angry about it anymore, but the sadness seems to consume me at the mention of it, especially on the anniversary every year. I'll never forget that day as long as I live. My friends going off to fight as soon as they could, getting out of high school early if they were 18 to hurry and get over there. People say that my generation is full of naive, irresponsible people, but my friends were and still are the ones over there fighting for everything we believe in. It's our turn, and we haven't let the ball drop yet.

Taken from the Empire State Building

Taken from Staten Island Spring 2001